The Plunge

I just took the plunge and bought my first video camera today. Considering how much I fret over this purchase, it's a miracle I ended up ordering one. I decided against getting the top-of-the-line camera with all the great features mainly because my load of video assignments isn't exactly booming. Also, I can almost stomach putting $700 on my credit card (gasp!!!), but at $2,500 for the pimpin' camera, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night with such a purchase.

I think part of the reason that I broke down and got one is that looking at cameras during work was becoming a monomania. I did something similar when my car's transmission failed. I debated buying a car, signed up for Consumer Reports, researched car web sites, and asked everyone I knew about cars. Of course, I actually need a car to get to work. A video camera, however, is a total luxury item.

But I'm hoping that this will give me more incentive to develop a hobby that I really enjoy so far. If I'm willing to consider spending big bucks on film school, then dropping some smaller bucks on a camera shouldn't be any sweat, right?! I'm trying to rationalize this too myslef.

I've been getting a bit financially over my head lately. The time to freeze my credit cards (in the freezer) may be here again.

I feel like I'm moving forwards though. No more idling. No, sir.

OK. So, I've spent several years as an aspiring writer. Granted I do "write" for a living as a tech writer. Not really anything that interests me. No. I'm talking about writing magazine articles, screenplays, bildungsromane, treatises. You know--writing.

Of course, every book I buy and every class I take seems to collect dust. A crass, albeit truthful former roommate of mine said that an aspiring journalist is one level below pond scum. Then again he doesn't have too much to worry about either. His parents are loaded.

Still, I sit editing obscure engineering copy all day long. Or actually. Editing a bit of copy and then trying to 'net surf on the sly or whatever other diversion I can find. I'm convinced that they will find me out as a fraud any day. They will fire me and give me two weeks severance pay.

I will then be doomed to working in a resturant and waiting tables. I'll then get a horrible drug habit and find myself stuck forever in this life of despair.

***

Enough drama I guess. One of the things one of my "how to become a writer" books mentions is waking up two hours earlier every day to work on your stuff. This is a great idea. In fact I convince myself every night that I will do this. And then I wake up at 9:05 a.m. (yes, I actually have been getting up at this hour lately) just as I always do.

I have often thought throughout my life that getting up earlier in the morning would help solve many funks in my life. It would make me a better student in college, buffer in my early 20s, a more balanced person in my spirituality, and now it can make me that writer I've always wanted to be. However, this morning agenda seems to just increase depression more than helping me jump-start my life.

Of course, getting up earlier would also be aided by going to bed earlier. However, considering I stayed out 'til 12pm last night and most nights I don't get to sleep until 1 or 2, this doesn't seem to help turn around the situation.

I don't even know if I really am a night owl. Staying out really late, I begin to feel fatigued around 1 a.m.

***

In addition to feeling my usual funk, I also have lots of friends in town. In many ways having them around is great, but it also reminds me that I miss them and that I feel like my social life was better in some ways. Of course, the memory isn't always reliable as we think it is either.

However, another point made by the "how to write" books is that there will always be some crisis, family visit, work situation, or whatever to distract you. Life is busy. Carving out the time and sticking to your guns is the only way to remedy this. I've been learning that for working out.

Man, I want to be happy. I spend lots of time observing my navel.

P.S. I added a reading and current music addiction section. Woo hoo. Now you too can be like me.