On Perfectionism
How a normal person prepares for a bike ride:
1. Grab helmet.
2. Fill up water bottle
3. Puts on shorts and shoes.
4. Goes for bike ride.

Here's how a perfectionist goes for a bike ride.
1. Looks for helmet. Can't find it. Curses himself for not being more organized.
2. Reads magazine article.
3. Curses self for dragging heels. Continues looking for helmet.
4. Spends 30 minutes tearing apart apartment looking for bike helmet.
5. Finds bike helmet in bin in closet where he put all his bike stuff the last time this happened for a bike ride.
6. Looks for water bottle.
7. Upon finding water bottle decides to wash it out.
8. Phone rings and subject talks to friend for 30 minutes.
9. Puts on helmet.
10. Spends 10 minutes looking for keys.
11. Locates keys in pockets from jeans worn yesterday.
12. Realizes that shorts have no pockets. Puts on shorts with pockets to hold keys.
13. Walks outside.
14. Sees that it is now dusk.
15. Decides not to go on bike ride, because it's "too dark"

This is how I often spend my Saturday or Sunday afternoon preparing for a bike ride. From this formula you could apply it to most free-time activities in my life. The same thought process also involves my working life and also when I am with friends and family. Add a heaping portion of self-criticism when this follows…

The next episode of Self-Analysis Theater will explore a conversation with either Mom or LoneStar.

This past week has involved a large amount of procrastination. Work has been a wash, largely since I am not working on any big deadline-driven projects right now. I have spent large portions of my day trying to conceal net surfing. I am not really motivated at work right now either. I feel like I am doing too many "side projects". I think I would be better served if I went to Border's and got a book on Virtual Basic or practiced my business German during these times, but net surfing is so much easier.

I haven't been to the gym in over a week. Again, low motivation.

Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

On Perfectionism
How a normal person prepares for a bike ride:
1. Grab helmet.
2. Fill up water bottle
3. Puts on shorts and shoes.
4. Goes for bike ride.

Here's how a perfectionist goes for a bike ride.
1. Looks for helmet. Can't find it. Curses himself for not being more organized.
2. Reads magazine article.
3. Curses self for dragging heels. Continues looking for helmet.
4. Spends 30 minutes tearing apart apartment looking for bike helmet.
5. Finds bike helmet in bin in closet where he put all his bike stuff the last time this happened for a bike ride.
6. Looks for water bottle.
7. Upon finding water bottle decides to wash it out.
8. Phone rings and subject talks to friend for 30 minutes.
9. Puts on helmet.
10. Spends 10 minutes looking for keys.
11. Locates keys in pockets from jeans worn yesterday.
12. Realizes that shorts have no pockets. Puts on shorts with pockets to hold keys.
13. Walks outside.
14. Sees that it is now dusk.
15. Decides not to go on bike ride, because it's "too dark"

This is how I often spend my Saturday or Sunday afternoon preparing for a bike ride. From this formula you could apply it to most free-time activities in my life. The same thought process also involves my working life and also when I am with friends and family. Add a heaping portion of self-criticism when this follows…

The next episode of Self-Analysis Theater will explore a conversation with either Mom or LoneStar.

This past week has involved a large amount of procrastination. Work has been a wash, largely since I am not working on any big deadline-driven projects right now. I have spent large portions of my day trying to conceal net surfing. I am not really motivated at work right now either. I feel like I am doing too many "side projects". I think I would be better served if I went to Border's and got a book on Virtual Basic or practiced my business German during these times, but net surfing is so much easier.

I haven't been to the gym in over a week. Again, low motivation.

Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

October 16, 2001 1:35 p.m.

I have the "void" feeling right now. Nothing satisfies this feeling. Food, sex, drink, work, meditation, shopping—nothing modern life offers seems to work. Every task seems mundane and hopeless. I don't want to do much of anything when I feel this way. Problem is that I often feel this way.
I think it stems from unrealistic perfectionism—that nothing could possibly even come close to making me feel better. Then a feeling of dread overcomes me.
Damn, I'm depressing myself. I think all people with depression must be huge perfectionists. If it can't be perfect, why bother? Or better said, "I don't want to go through with the effort of making things perfect."
Last weekend was pretty decent. On Friday I went with Margaritaville to Curra's for some drinks and nachos. We kicked back some Curritas and eventually LongIsland showed up. Apparently, LongIsland has moved back to Austin from Mexico. Since Margaritaville was taking care of HomeBrew's dog, we hung out at his place. We got pleasantly loopy and hung out and watched TV. Later LongIsland left, Margaritaville dozed on the couch and I drove home during this killer thunderstorm.
On Saturday I went to a party at LoneStar's house. It was for O'Douls and BubbleTea's—two of my favorite people that I never see enough of—birthday. Pretty fun. LoneStar got them a PowerPuff girl pinata and we spent a good part of the evening trying to crack it open.
On Sunday I went to Houston with GNT. Our mission was to check out a museum, eat some good Asian food, and go to IKEA. I accomplished all. It was good to get away for the day.
Well, this entry isn't perfect enough, so I'm going to stop for now.