Ennui Online

2002-09-16T07:45:00.000-05:00

Another groggy morning. Yesterday, Alison and I made the journey to Queen's to see the P.S.1 MoMA. They had this exhibit on Mexico City. Unfortunately, most of that stuff had been packed away or had moved somewhere else.

Then, rain.

And more rain.

And Deluge.

Went to a random diner/Chinese resturant in Chelsea.

Had dinner with Stewart and Elizabeth in Park Slope. Drinks at BlahBlah.

The recruiting drive seems to be in full swing. I must have made a good impression.

Reservations about New York:

crowded
loud
inconvenient to get around

Likes about New York:

people seem genuine
lots of interesting stuff going on
in the middle of everything

Still, I feel that New York can chew you up and spit you out with no remorse. The city isn't as crappy as when I visited ten years ago. Gone are the urine smells and overall decay.

2002-09-15T11:50:00.000-05:00

My head is starting to hurt. I may need to get one of those gel masks to keep the bags under my eyes from growing larger. Last night, Alison and I had the naive hope of coming home by 2am. But Nicolle and her beau Bryan would not have that. No. You must have another drink. Just one more beer. Let's have a smoke. Come on, let's go to the diner, pizzeria, gyro stand. What?! Your going home?! It's only 3am. You could just spend $30 to take a cab back to Brooklyn.

We take the subway. Get home at 4am. 4:15 actually One the walk home from the subway, Alison notices this guy who is pleasuring himself on the street. All I noticed was that he didn't have any shoes on. Perhaps, the event was to traumatizing to remember what happened exactly. I just remember no socks.

Today, headed for this gallery/museum called P.S.1 in Queens. Exchange the wrong sized trainers that I got yesterday (no sales tax on clothing items under $100 in New York State...). I'm going to hang out with Nicolle tonight. I think we're going to some bars in Chelsea. I don't know if my body or finances can handle it. Then, tomorrow I'm going to check out Columbia and head home.

Peace out.

2002-09-14T09:56:00.000-05:00

B to the B

Another full, but not full day yesterday. We didn't make it to the Met until 2pm. We still did manage to cram in some time at the H&M (non-existent in provincial cities such as Austin, though widely available in European provincial cities).

The evening managed to be very rushed. After several hours of walking around Manhattan, we returned home to quickly change and meet Stew and Elizabeth for a drink. This later turned into dinner at a overpriced, but decent Peruvian restaurant. Then, we had to make a dash for the F train to Manhattan. Apparently, getting to Grand Central from Brooklyn is no easy task. Three transfers and two city blocks later, we found ourselves dashing through the marble hall to Track 38, which was located convienently on the complete opposite side of the building. Just as we entered the car, the conductor blew the whistle.

Whisked away to the depths of the Bronx, Alison and I attended a party of one friend Blossom. Suprisingly, a crowd of music students largely from Austin was a highlight of the party. I joined these bad smoker kids on the stairs to the 5th floor landing of Blossom's walk-up apartment. Funny folks. Also, an unattractive and very drunk woman dressed in an outfit fitting for Charro kept falling down. She slipped in the hallway, she slipped in the kitchen, and her apparent boyfriend carried her out over his shoulder at one point.

Yesterday evening, I also learned that hanging out on the fire escape to smoke cigarettes can be a sketchy proposition. Blossom's fire escape had a gaping hole, which didn't not agree with my fear of heights. I remained glued to the window ledge.

Speaking of cigarettes, the state of New York must be trying to encourage people to stop smoking mightily. $7 for a pack. I don't think a pack even costs that much in a London pub.

An important lesson for going to parties in the Bronx, when you are sleeping in Brooklyn. Have a car or a friend with one to get home at 3am. Alex saved our lives or at least saved us from a two hour subway ride home.

On tap for today, Chinatown, Little Italy. In the Time Out New York, there was a write-up on this video artist that has an exhibit in Chelsea. Going to a Chelsea gallery would position me for at least scoping out the scene a little bit in that neck of the concrete.

2002-09-13T11:39:00.000-05:00

Oh. My new Web site is up and running. nothing special. zilar.com

I also have a new blog set up. It will soon be replacing this one, I think.

zilar.com/scherzkecks/pivot

2002-09-13T11:38:00.000-05:00

I made it to NYC. Little delay at La Guardia. It probably took me 45 minutes to get from the gate to Alison’s apartment.

Last night we went to this bad disco DJ show at this club called LUXX. Alex P. made the poster for the “Avant God” show at the club. Apparently, a good DJ was going to play last, but by 3am we were wrecked. At the club, we saw Chloe Sevingy of Kids, Last Days of Disco, and American Psycho fame.

Also, I got to see two potential fights on the street in Williamsburg and in Sunset Park. Lots of shit talking going on... Of course, Alison mentioned that this kinda thing never happens... Michelle said the same thing about the homeless person that attacked me in San Francisco back in February.

Today has definitely been a lazy morning. We still haven’t made it to Manhattan. Considering that I’ve been a huge ball of stress, this doesn’t bother me so much. Probably heading to the Met today. Some party tonight in the Bronx. Nicolle just moved here as well.

Still haven’t called Stewart and Elizabeth.

2002-09-11T01:13:00.000-05:00

I'm up late again. Actually, I'm not chatting away into oblivion or some insomniac fool either.

Forward motion is what tonight is all about. With the illustrious Barqs' help, I have been setting up my personal Web site. It looks like I will even have my own site resident blog. There's this freeware called Pivot that let's you set that up on your own site. So, tonight, I've been recalling UNIX commands from the depths of my brain. Funny how I learned so many useful computer geek skills from my days as a cartography drone. I am really appreciating the under-the-hood UNIX part of OS X on my iMac. I don't have to download five million things to manage a Web site. Everyone, abandon their PC now and buy a Mac! Run, don't walk!

Dos XX and I found a new roommate. AnchorSteam is from the Bay Area via a three-week stint in Dallas (he came to his senses quickly and decided to find employment elsewhere). He won't move in for another week, but he seems like an interesting guy.

In two days I head for New York. In light of today's terrorism alert, I'm wigging out a bit. I DID buy some travel insurance, just in case I get stuck in the La Guardia or Houston Intercontinental coffee shop for five days. My travel agenda is pretty slim so far. I fished Sake's old New York Lonely Planet out of the garage and have a subway map from a previous dream of a New York trip. I know that I'll visit Moma or the Met and probably Ground Zero (though I like to play the Ostrich in this regard sometimes).

Strangely, three people I know have moved to New York this summer. Suddenly, NY, NY, beats San Francisco as the hotspot in the US for out-of-town friends. Of course, London is still a very close second.

Another thought. I must call RedStripe when I get back. It looks like she's been a blogging machine lately. Where does she get these writing exercises from?

She might inspire me to do that novel in a month contest...

2002-09-09T02:28:00.000-05:00

I cannot sleep right now. Insomnia has not been a problem for several months. Maybe even a year.

I have started smoking, albeit just one or two an night, outside of my usual regimen of travel outside the US and drinking.

Work has been REALLY stressing me out. Nothing like when I worked at Hoover's, but still bad. Having two bosses isn't fun. Earlier, I complained about having no boss. Now I have too many.

I'm going to New York on Thursday, September 12. This scares me and excites me at the same time. I have not been to the Big Apple in more than ten years. I guess I did fly back through Newark one time, but a layover at an airport hardly counts.

This trip will be a bit of a scouting mission. Three people I have known have moved up there this summer. Will more follow?

Everyone seems to be moving, plotting out grad school&0151;I'm trying to come up with something to do. Anything.

2002-08-27T22:46:00.000-05:00

Reunions

August and January seem to be months of reunions. Why people choose the days with the shortest days and alternatively the hottest days of the years to catch up with people puzzles me sometimes.

The month started with a visit from Cosmo and Sapporo.

Then Manhattan came.

Then Lone Star and I went to our ten year high school reunion.

My lungs are a little blacker, my gains at the gym a little less noticeable, and my bank account needed some creative financing to maintain positive cash flow.

I have had a good time. I have been reassessing my life (even more than before).

I am Scherzkecks, hear me roar!

My class reunion has made me want to accomplish... something. Not sure what, but I have to start doing more with my life. Immediately. Right now. Of course, over the past three, actually four years (!) since I've returned from Japan have gotten things more in line with how I want them to be. Still, some force keeps me from taking on something really ballsy. Sure, taking the film class was a big step, going to therapy was a big step, coming out was a huge step. I can't really say that I'm disappointed in myself. I just think I'm capable of doing much more.

Of well. I've lost some steam now. This cold isn't helping. Summer colds are the worst. Mom was telling me about sucking on zinc pills.

Listening to this new rjd2 cd that Dos XXs just bought. So far DosXXs has been a great roommate.

Alright off to bed, time for zinc tablets and Alka Seltzer Cold & Sinus.

Peace

Mental Note: schedule coffee with RedStripe. Long overdue. Send e-mail to G&T in Italy.

2002-08-01T16:35:00.000-05:00

The Plunge

I just took the plunge and bought my first video camera today. Considering how much I fret over this purchase, it's a miracle I ended up ordering one. I decided against getting the top-of-the-line camera with all the great features mainly because my load of video assignments isn't exactly booming. Also, I can almost stomach putting $700 on my credit card (gasp!!!), but at $2,500 for the pimpin' camera, I wouldn't be able to sleep at night with such a purchase.

I think part of the reason that I broke down and got one is that looking at cameras during work was becoming a monomania. I did something similar when my car's transmission failed. I debated buying a car, signed up for Consumer Reports, researched car web sites, and asked everyone I knew about cars. Of course, I actually need a car to get to work. A video camera, however, is a total luxury item.

But I'm hoping that this will give me more incentive to develop a hobby that I really enjoy so far. If I'm willing to consider spending big bucks on film school, then dropping some smaller bucks on a camera shouldn't be any sweat, right?! I'm trying to rationalize this too myslef.

I've been getting a bit financially over my head lately. The time to freeze my credit cards (in the freezer) may be here again.

I feel like I'm moving forwards though. No more idling. No, sir.

2002-07-31T17:37:00.000-05:00

OK. So, I've spent several years as an aspiring writer. Granted I do "write" for a living as a tech writer. Not really anything that interests me. No. I'm talking about writing magazine articles, screenplays, bildungsromane, treatises. You know--writing.

Of course, every book I buy and every class I take seems to collect dust. A crass, albeit truthful former roommate of mine said that an aspiring journalist is one level below pond scum. Then again he doesn't have too much to worry about either. His parents are loaded.

Still, I sit editing obscure engineering copy all day long. Or actually. Editing a bit of copy and then trying to 'net surf on the sly or whatever other diversion I can find. I'm convinced that they will find me out as a fraud any day. They will fire me and give me two weeks severance pay.

I will then be doomed to working in a resturant and waiting tables. I'll then get a horrible drug habit and find myself stuck forever in this life of despair.

***

Enough drama I guess. One of the things one of my "how to become a writer" books mentions is waking up two hours earlier every day to work on your stuff. This is a great idea. In fact I convince myself every night that I will do this. And then I wake up at 9:05 a.m. (yes, I actually have been getting up at this hour lately) just as I always do.

I have often thought throughout my life that getting up earlier in the morning would help solve many funks in my life. It would make me a better student in college, buffer in my early 20s, a more balanced person in my spirituality, and now it can make me that writer I've always wanted to be. However, this morning agenda seems to just increase depression more than helping me jump-start my life.

Of course, getting up earlier would also be aided by going to bed earlier. However, considering I stayed out 'til 12pm last night and most nights I don't get to sleep until 1 or 2, this doesn't seem to help turn around the situation.

I don't even know if I really am a night owl. Staying out really late, I begin to feel fatigued around 1 a.m.

***

In addition to feeling my usual funk, I also have lots of friends in town. In many ways having them around is great, but it also reminds me that I miss them and that I feel like my social life was better in some ways. Of course, the memory isn't always reliable as we think it is either.

However, another point made by the "how to write" books is that there will always be some crisis, family visit, work situation, or whatever to distract you. Life is busy. Carving out the time and sticking to your guns is the only way to remedy this. I've been learning that for working out.

Man, I want to be happy. I spend lots of time observing my navel.

P.S. I added a reading and current music addiction section. Woo hoo. Now you too can be like me.

2002-07-18T17:11:00.000-05:00

Wow. I haven't updated my blog in eons! Of course the past couple of months have been kind of crazy too. I moved, hosted German coworkers, had a birthday, had a crazy deadline at work, and have started going out a lot.

Today is the second day this week that I've stayed home from work. I don't know if it is allergies. Even though I've actually been sleeping the standard 8 hours or more, I still can't get enough sleep. I feel groggy all day too. I've been taking more than my one alloted Allegras per day too. Still, I don't think allergies can explain my malaise.

Part of it might just be general discontentment with my job. I keep on picking up copies of books on starting your own freelance writing business and such. Ultimately, I think this might be the ideal path for me, but with no large amount of savings at the moment, I'm chicken.

It's not that I necessarily hate my job, it just bores the hell out of me. While that isn't the best attitude, it is a definite improvement over the last job I had where I was always unreasonably stressed out and resentful. At least this job has afforded me lots of chances to sort out what I do want to do.

Taking a long stint of vacation might be helpful as well. Aside from two quick weekends in San Francisco this spring, I haven't gotten away from myself. Maybe even a week in Port Aransas would help me relax a bit. I keep on thinking that I have to travel at least 3,000 miles to have a vacation.

2002-05-22T12:17:00.000-05:00

Wow. It's almost been a month!! Well, I think the last time I blogged I was in the midst of movie madness. RedStripe and I spent at least two weeks of editing at least two sometimes up to eight hours a day to get our movie done. Our screening in the theater was cool--we were the first to go. What made me the happiest was that people laughed at all our gags.

Friends of mine kept on giving me compliments about how they liked the movie. While they probably are sincere, I still have trouble accepting praise. Still, it's good to hear that people liked something that you put so much work into.

While I thought I would have something of a break, work has been picking up quite a bit. This might stem from the fact that I really neglected work the weeks leading up to the release of the movie. I think movie-making might be detrimental to my professional career. But I've got the bug, too bad.

I'm considering taking the second "film" class. A couple friends of mine seemed to be interested in doing something this summer as well. I just need to come up with something.

Also, in a rare lapse of spontenaiety, I'm going to San Francisco for Memorial Day Weekend. Yesterday at work I was greeted by the American Airlines Webfares to find a $169 flight to San Francisco. Since I'd been trying to find some way out of town I jumped at the chance. I think I've convienced CapeCod and Margarita to take me to Santa Cruz on Sunday. It'll be cold, but I really want to go to the beach. Of course, I guess I could have packed up the car and just driven four hours to Galveston too...

I have a feeling that this summer will ve weird. LoneStar left for boot camp on Monday. It still blows my mind that he's enlisted. I'm housesitting his place for the summer. Going around a friends house when they're not there is a little strange, even if your just taking in the mail.

2002-04-25T11:56:00.000-05:00

I'm feeling depressed again today. This qualifies me as being officially in a funk. It was kind of cold and rainy this morning, maybe that's it.

Some of it probably stems from not being able to make lunch plans with any of my friends. Doesn't anyone go to lunch between 12-1 anymore. Of course, I often work out during lunch (and I didn't bring my lunch to work today either).

This isn't something I'm going to let get to me personally. It just feels like whenever I'm trying to reach out to people, no one is available. Maybe I'm just choosing the wrong times.

I will go do some yoga after work and maybe go swmimming. This will, I hope, make me feel better.

2002-04-24T14:44:00.000-05:00

I don't know if it's just indigestion or if I just feel lousy. I've been feeling bad a lot lately. I don't know if it's just the infamous Austin allergy season or depressive malaise. I went to yoga during lunchtime and thought that I would come out all refreshed. Now I just feel kind of down.

Of course, I just did get an e-mail from Mom saying that she wanted to come down and see my movie. And of course, Dad wants to come too. Most children would want this situation to happen. For son of divorced parents I just see stress largely being carried by me. That's a whole lot of parents to have in town for the weekend. Then again, I would absolve myself of some potential guilt visits this summer.

As you can see I have very mixed emotions about visiting my parents. Usually I visit them more out of guilt than really wanting to see them. Considering that 60% of my therapy involves my childhood living with them.

I realize that I spend way much time worrying about things in my life. I think that so much of this stems from a lack of security earlier on in life couple with a lack of self-esteem.

I'm also stressing some at work for no reason... The Germany project that I've been working on has finally been "solved" by my managers. Of course, the last time they did intervene, it did help to a small degree.

I think I'm going for a nature walk. This blog isn't helping either.

2002-04-10T08:42:00.000-05:00

Brand New Love

Growing up I never had homemade oatmeal. Not like I was particularly deprived at breakfast as a child. I ate Toaster Strudel, Count Chocula, Pop Tarts, and even Quaker Instant Oatmeal. In fact, a long stretch of my life I had abandoned breakfast altogether. Soon after 9th grade ended, my parents decided to divorce. Gone were the here's a quick toaster strudel, you're running late for car pool. Of course, I was probably capable of feeding myself breakfast by then too. No one was really around to nag me about eating breakfast or even about skipping my first period economics or English class. During college I briefly rediscovered bagels, but usually avoided life before 11 a.m. let alone breakfast. My first job out of college I worked the night shift. I did start eating three meals a day again, but that usually involved something like two lunches and a dinner. Not until I taught English in Japan, did breakfast make a true reappearance in my life. Not really ever a kitchen table affair, I did usually eat it at my desk at work. I still do this.

I still am not eating homemade oatmeal, though I have discovered its modern equivalent: Quick Oats. Yes, boring, but somehow so comforting. Eating a microwaved tupperware bowl of Quick Oats with some cinammon and sugar almost erases six years of paternal neglect. I'm serious. No it's not a big ol' plate of migas or breakfast tacos, but it's my new comfort food.

***

I think I actually finished my first assignment ahead of time this weekend. Yes, the first time ever. My entire junior and high school as well as college career was based on finishing it the night before.

Still, we finished our movie with a week to spare. Of course, we still have to edit it, but I'm amazed that there's not much more filming to do.

2002-04-09T09:59:00.000-05:00

Today in a moment of clarity, I decided to just get my car fixed. Yes, $1800-2600 for a repaired transmission is mucho dinero, but so is a car payment. Also, none of the cars I wanted were available used and after reading my copy of Wheels 101 from my local credit union I decided to hold off on car buying. I'm not ready for hard sells, people mulling over my credit report, and advanced consumer debt. Still, I do want a new car with sugar on top. I am trying to be frugal (and it sucks). If only I were better at it. Many of my friends are much better at it than I am--bravely driving older cars, rinsing out their ziplock bags, eschewing home computers, visiting their families for their vacations. I have a hard time doing those things.

We did manage to shoot our movie last weekend. Though the hours were long, I had a lot of fun filming things. Sounds like we were lucky. After talking to a classmate of mine last night, it sounds like things don't always go well. She had meticulously planned things out as well... Having all the filming done is also a bit of a relief. Though we still have editing to do, we don't have to coordinate a cast and various props.

I'm felling kinda bummed today. Don't know exactly why. I'm not too inspired by work. Yesterday after a meeting, I came to the realization that I need to start taking my job more seriously. This is why I'm blogging right now.

2002-04-03T11:40:00.000-06:00

People take pleasure in weird things. I am gloating because by using H&R Block's Internet tax prep software I am getting twice as much back as I was supposed to get with Tax Cut. I am also very happy, because I figured out how to download all my transactions from my credit union to Quicken (no small task, as a tech writer I'm realzing that there are bad user manuals everywhere).

Life is getting sorta stressful right now. RedStripe and I are fearing up to support our movie, and there seems to be tons of stuff that we still have to do. I feel like I'm letting my life slide a bit to do this. Of course, I'm really enjoying it too.

I keep on getting these discouraging phone calls from my friends in New York and San Francisco. I still contemplate moving there, but then they tell me about how expensive things are, how lonely they are, how they don't like their jobs and I start to doubt my reasons for wanting to move. I have made a promise to myself that I have to be happy with my life here in Austin before I can go out on any more extended adventures, whether it be time abroad or moving to a different city. I guess I spent so much time moving away and not dealing with things that unless I deal with them they're going to plague me the rest of my life.

2002-03-31T10:47:00.000-06:00

Well, I did end up feeling better yesterday. Though I did lock my keys in my car when I went to the post office to fetch a package, everyone called me up around 5:30 wanting to do something. Strange how you can call four people on Saturday afternoon and no one is home though.

Today I am going to Easter Feaster. I'm dreading it actually. Having to have conversations for hours on end will be difficult for me. I know that I will end up enjoying myself, but sometimes I need incentive to talk with people even if I care about them.

Last night I went to the Fuzz Club to see some surf band that seemed more like a late-60s frat band. I know the Fuzz Club theme is to dress all 60s fab, but the music didn't seem to fit. Still it was good to see all my old peeps from the Dot-Com Hellhole I used to work at.

Well, I gotta do some storyboards and also make a lentil salad for the Easter Feaster. Peace.

2002-03-30T15:33:00.000-06:00

Blogger Pro™ - Power Push-Button Publishing

2002-03-30T15:31:00.000-06:00

I have been in a crappy mood all day. I'm not sure why I always feel so lousy on Satrudays. Maybe i'm not getting enough rest during the week.

RedStripe and I went looking for potential sets this morning. I think we have most of them picked out.

I have lots of work to do today, but all I really feel like doing is napping.

I feel kinda lonely today. It amazes me sometimes how everyone seems to disappear on Saturday afternoons. Maybe having a richer, fuller life would help. All I seem to do is putter around on my computer on Saturday afternoons.

2002-03-28T13:48:00.000-06:00

How do you unclutter a cluttered brain? Often I find myself trying to pay attention to what other people are saying, just to have a wave of thoughts tune them out. This might explain why I don't have much to say. I'm always thinking about other things too much.

***

Yesterday I experienced my first male dental hygenist. Yes, I am sometimes influenced by stereotypes. Still, he was really funny. Funny is not an experience I usually have while at the dentist. Sure we may talk about flossing and the job market, but I have never had a dental hygentist make a joke about the new Listerine breath strips being just like "Windowpane" or relating stories of patients who intentially let their teeth rot so that they can get painkillers. Apparently, these folks go to three or four dentists getting the painkiller perscription and then forgetting to get the one for the antibiotic filled. Eventually, the pharmacist catches on and calls the assorted dentists. The hygentist said the usually tip-off on these folks is that they don't want the rotting teeth removed in the same visit.

***

Always the critc.

When I was about 11 years old one of the neighborhood kids I played with was talking to me. "Hey, Scherzkecks! You know what the perfect job for you would be?"

"What?!" I asked intrigued.

"A movie critic."

Ouch. I really did take that too heart. Sometimes we let things that people say in passing cement themselves in our brains so that the Critic etching appears every time I find myself being judgemental.

LoneStar reinforced this when saying half-jokingly a couple of years ago, "always the critic, aren't we, Scherzkecks?"

Ouch.

2002-03-28T00:13:00.000-06:00

Ever get the feeling that you always missed the boat?

Though I started using the Internet back in '93 at UT, I ended up teaching English in Japan during the height of the boom when people were making millions of dollars on hot air. Of course, this isn't all about making money either.

I'm all set off by this, because I just came across this article on digital video by a former classmate of mine from UT. Sure he was a cool guy, creative and all that, but somehow it irks me that he has an article on Wired somewhere.

I could argue that I had been slowly digging my way out of debilatating depression for the past decade or so, but really in the end who cares? That excuse will get you only so far in terms of justifying not accomplishing what you want to do in life.

I've been starting at the computer too long tonight. I should get to bed. peace.

2002-03-27T12:48:00.000-06:00

Life must be moving by incredibly fast. Considering how gradual many changes are in our lives, it amazes me how boom I can be at another round of dentist and eye doctor appointments as well as friends birthday parties. The season of running into RedStripe at Deep Eddy on Saturdays, JimJim Water Ices, and Austin's summer oblivion are around the corner. I am prepared for this summer though. I purchased my first cooler (with wheels no less) a month or two ago in anticipation. People are itching to start living their lives outside again. I can feel that the season of Reefs, ice cold swimming holes, and Mexican beers blowing on my neck.

I guess this means that my exercise plan for the past few weeks seeks some spark on interest. Summer also means shirtlessness and after a March of birthday parties, chronic eating out during SXSW, and avoiding the gym, it's time to come up with a new plan. My workout is getting boring. It would be nice to bike places, but my bike got stolen... I might try swimming at Stacy Pool until it's warm enough to go to Deep Eddy and Barton Springs. I also found out that there is a lap pool right by work.

Work has been rough lately, mainly because I have been staying up way too late playing with my new computer. I am totally obsessed with playing with the iMac. I burned my first CD last night (my old laptop didn't have a CD burner on it). I'm not sure when I will burn my first DVD, probably when RedStripe and I finish our movie for class.

Too bad for exercise tonight. It's LoneStar's birthday and we're going to Fonda San Miguel for dinner (it's LoneStar's turn for the Fonda birthday club). So I will probably have too many really good margaritas.

2002-03-22T15:07:00.000-06:00

I feel...
tired
joyless
unloved
unappreciated
not too trapped
miserly
unfulfilled

Is this what happens when you get just six hours of sleep to stay up late and read and surf the Web? I found out today that my five-year-old eyeglass prescription is too strong. This may explain the eye strain and headaches I get while at work.

I didn't think that I poisoned myself with negative thoughts today, but I just have that super low-motivation feel. Why not blog about it? I wonder what other people write in their "real" journals. How much do you self-censor your blog if you know you'll have an audience? Does anyone have a secret blog.

I think I'm becoming obsessed with film making. After spending an hour in a meeting about computer hardware, I find myself questioning my current boring, yet comfortable career path. I sit in front of an online help file or a specifications document and soon find myself pricing miniDVs or chekcing out film schools.

2002-03-21T22:19:00.000-06:00

Werd.

Ever since SXSW I've been suffering from blog-envy. Maybe one weekend I'll actually sit down with the Lynda Weinmann design book, the MySQL handbook, and that dusty scanner and whip something together. I doubt that will happen though. I'm already burning precious screenplay writing time. I need to write my Virtual Light cum Bicycle Thief werk.

CapeCod came to Austin on a suprise trip from Oakland. Such a beautiful place seems to make Texans miserable. All those soy milk lattes and stuff must be anti-depressants. They need more chili-peppers, sunshine, and spring-fed swimmin' holes to make them happy.

2002-03-19T13:24:00.000-06:00

Talked to Margarita shortly last night. Sounds like Califonie is treating her alright. Shiraz had a birthday party on Sunday. It started at 2 in the afternoon and I think that it was planned not to last until 11pm, which is when I ended up leaving). Yesterday was a painful day for work.

Today RedStripe and I show off our movie for our class.

2002-03-18T12:37:00.000-06:00

SXSW is now over. Life will begin to be normal again. Though I started off strong this year, going to movies and panel discussions, but the time the music festival started I began to grow tired. The band that stood out the most to me was Winslow. Of course, I only went to one nigt of the music as well.

Yesterday, RedStripe and I shot our second assignment for our film class. I am really enjoying our class a lot. It's putting crazy ideas in my head such as me pursuing video as a hobby/career. Film school even...

LoneStar was our featured star and I thought he was really good. Considering it was just another practice assignment, I was pleased with the end-product.

2002-03-15T14:15:00.000-06:00

I don't know what's come over me. I feel so depressed right now. Our group manager just mentioned that he was tranferring to another department. What that means for me, I am unsure. Earlier today when I was walking over to a co-workers cube to talk about our usual Beer:30 event on Friday afternoon, I saw him looking at porn. This isn't the first time I've seen this either. Not a big deal, but I think he's pretty ballsy to do that while working (of course I am blogging right now...).

My motivation is sapped, but then it always is. Even though I have a good boss and nice co-workers, I feel so apathetic about work. Seems like I spend most of my day looking to see how much money I have in savings, what graduate programs in film are available. I have also been pricing expensive 3 CCD DV cameras and new iMacs. If I wanted to go freelance, this probably isn't the time with my current electronics wish list. Of course, stuff never makes me happy either. The one thing I've been enjoying a lot lately has been my film class. Whether it's viable as a profession I don't know. But I got the love, I think. While it is intricate, I doesn't demand the isolation and absolute concentration that writing requires. I think that video and film would be a better albeit more expensive medium to work with.

But back from the film reverie, I just feel depressed about work and where my life feels like it's going no where. Don't get me wrong. I have a good job. It pays well, they treat me well. This is quite a rarity. How can I make the best of this situation? Or should I go out on a limb and try something new?

Later,

Scherzkecks

2002-03-15T12:56:00.000-06:00

Six weeks since my last blog.

In that time I have travelled to San Francisco. Where I was assualted by a homeless person in the Haight less than two hours after arriving. I guess you've probably heard all the superlatives before. The amazingly beautiful city of SF with calve enhancing hills, fat-free good food, and those weird electric trolley buses. Another day we went to see CapeCod in the East Bay. Emerging from the Bay Bridge into Oakland causes a passage into the real (at least modern, auto-centric America) world. Though I had been hella (I was trying to use some of the Californian lingo. albeit SoCal) digging on SF, I breathed a bit easier in Oakland. Freeways, sprawl, and McDonald's had entered the landscape again.

2002-01-28T23:54:00.000-06:00

Had a decent weekend. I hung out with FatTire on Friday night. We went to Veggie Heaven, which has the best resturant veggie food I've ever had. The Protein 2000, the spicy tofu dish, and the even FatTire's bubble tea tasted good. We then had a couple of pints at the Dog and Duck, which was suprisingly crowded. Saturday I just bumed around at the coffee house some working on the never ending Stephen Harrigan story. Since I'm done putting my story notes on index cards, I guess the time to start actually sending off a query letter to the magazine has arrived--no more stalling. I am also reading his first book Aransas--it's really good. It's probably not better than Gates of the Alamo, but since it is about a burnt-out twenty something in coastal Texas, I can relate to it more than historical fiction set 150 years ago. Plus, I find his whole fascination with dolphins intriguing. Now a dolphin show trainer would be a cool subject for a narrative film. Of course, the times are more pc today, so people probably wouldn't tolerate a dolphin circus like the one in Aransas

I'm a bit nervous about film class... Everyone else seems to have an idea of what they'd like to do in their respective 5-minute shorts. Shiraz will try to feature Dottie. RedStripe is contemplating kickball. Actually, RedStripe and I are to be partners, but she seemed to be reconsidering--I'm just glad she's taking the class. Still, tomorrow we're having our pictures taken and we're saying stuff about ourselves so that we can get better acquainted with our classmates. I'm wigging out about this--not feeling hip enough, not having played with video cameras since I was five. Overreacting probably.

I'd like to welcome my third friend to the semi-private Ennui Online world (remember it's a "secret" website). Murphy's and RedStripe say "hi" to my mate from the UK GNT. She and I met up in Japan. She's brilliant.

2002-01-24T00:01:00.000-06:00

Well another Hump Day survived. I cut out of work about an hour early to run some errands. I spent about an hour at the Post Office. Postal employees must dread me, because I also walk in wanting to insure some sort of package to Japan or buy aerogrammes or need International Reply Coupons. No first-class parcel post to Des Moines, Iowa here. Part of the reason I had to go was to send in my airline vouchers to American Airlines for my upcoming trip to San Fransisco. Just a long-weekend really.
M and N have been trying to lure me out there for a few months, especially M. The next semester is pretty well booked. Between South by Southwest (SXSW) and this film class and other people having plans, coming up with an actual available weekend was pretty hard. I think I'm going to try and visit A. in NYC too. The ludicrous thing about the USA is that it costs more to fly to NYC $401 than to fly to London $258!!! I don't think it's related to the terrorist attacks either. Austin just doesn't have as much of a connection to NYC as it does to San Fransisco, Chicago, LA, or even Boston. Then again, Austin is hardly the air hub of Texas.
My film class started. The place was packed--folks had to sit on apple crates and the floor. Still I think the class will be a lot of fun. RedStripe doesn't seem to be wigging out as much about the class and Shiraz has already recruited NegraModelo to act in her short film. The fact that we'll screen this stuff in front of potentially 350 people at the Arbor Theater puts a bit more pressure on me. But that's good too. This class isn't exactly free... I'm getting the impression that film will be an insanely expensive hobby. I might have to stay with tech writing just to pay for equipment.

2002-01-21T17:08:00.000-06:00

This past weekend I was a movie-watching machine. I saw Amelie and Gosford Park. I’d have to say that I liked Amelie more. I think Blackhawk Down will help round out my current movie-watching binge.

As for the rest of the weekend, I spent a good chunk of Saturday organizing quotes for my Stephen Harrigan interview. I don’t know if I was wasting time, but I feel like I was doing something semi-productive. I may actually get around to querying a magazine to write an article since I actually have my quotes cleaned up a bit. I’ve felt stuck about the whole process lately, mainly because I haven’t been working on anything at all for the past couple of months. Right before a Thanksgiving and Christmas seems to be a bad time to start working on a magazine article. This is also a bad time to start dating somebody (though for some reason it always seems like I start dating people at this time of year…)

Yesterday, I spent most of my time lounging around reading newspapers. Something that I normally don’t allow myself to do. My parents must have done a number on me about sloth—like they have about many other things in my life. (Therapy’s self-awareness feature is now kicking in.)

Tomorrow is my first day of our film class. I have a feeling that I may be really busy with this, this semester. Still, it will present me with a more creative outlet than usual. I don’t really know what to expect from it. I know that RedStripe is nervous about it. Shiraz has not made any comments. I guess it’s time to start coming up with story ideas…

2002-01-16T11:29:00.000-06:00

Yesterday Mom told me that Nana was burning Papa a CD. Small miracles are happening in this seemingly grim world.

That gives me hope for people not trying new things. Yesterday, I was spouting off on my tape recorder about excuses we make for ourselves so that we don’t have to confront our fears. “I have a horrible since of direction!” means that LoneStar will never have to learn his way around a city he’s lived in for ten years. “I can’t swim!” keeps Mom from ever having to dip her head in the water and also puts a damper on any family vacation aquatic activities. “I’m so disorganized!” is my cry so that I never try to focus on just a couple of manageable activities and develop real satisfaction with job activities or hobbies.

I have also been facing some inner demons of mine recently. I don’t really want to go into it. So far things have been very difficult and I’ve at least taken the initiative to make some changes in my life. Time will tell how well this actually works though.
Yesterday Mom told me that Nana was burning Papa a CD. Small miracles are happening in this seemingly grim world.

That gives me hope for people not trying new things. Yesterday, I was spouting off on my tape recorder about excuses we make for ourselves so that we don’t have to confront our fears. “I have a horrible since of direction!” means that LoneStar will never have to learn his way around a city he’s lived in for ten years. “I can’t swim!” keeps Mom from ever having to dip her head in the water and also puts a damper on any family vacation aquatic activities. “I’m so disorganized!” is my cry so that I never try to focus on just a couple of manageable activities and develop real satisfaction with job activities or hobbies.

I have also been facing some inner demons of mine recently. I don’t really want to go into it. So far things have been very difficult and I’ve at least taken the initiative to make some changes in my life. Time will tell how well this actually works though.

2002-01-07T12:14:00.000-06:00

Today and all of this week I'm in a training class for my company's flagship product. I took the class one year ago, but since I'd been working on the German product that no one cared about that has absolutely nothing to do with the flagship product, I forgot everything I had learned.

I will say that I'm doing much better than I did in the first training class. My geek factor has increased substanitally since working here. I now know what a multimeter, arbitrary waveform generator, and USB-Firewire Interface bus are.

In many ways this past month has been like starting over at my job. I got moved to a new product group (thought I support the German stuff still), got a new boss (while still getting orders from the old one), etc. While I balked at first, the move seems to be a much better living situation. Having a boss in the United States, in Austin even, can have positive benefits...

2002-01-06T23:32:00.000-06:00

January 8, 2002 11:15 pm.

Wow. I'm actually making a blog at home!

This weekend I went camping with Tecate, Maker's Mark, and Knob Creek. Tecate's birthday wish was to go to Gardner State Park out near Uvalude in the midst of the Hill Country. This is a fun group of people to travel with. We also traveled to HomeBrew's brother's wedding in Oregon this summer. Also a good trip. The reason these folks are good to travel with, is that they are as lazy as I am when it comes to travelling. No agenda. Just enjoyment. This can be bad if you have a mountain peak in mind, but can be great if you feel like kicking back. Most of our "camping" trip involved hanging out in our pimping cabin and consuming food and alcohol. We also hiked around in the hills surrounding the adjacent Frio Rio. Tecate and Maker's tried to show me how to skip stones, but I wasn't getting it.
Today we had a leisurely drive back to Austin. Tecate wanted to buzz by Lost Maples on the way home. We also stopped off at the Salt Lick on our way home, where I consumed large amounts of fatty animal flesh.
Afterwards we went across the road to this Confederate Veterans Park. In a nearby creek I finally managed to skip stones. I was stoked.

2002-01-02T13:50:00.000-06:00

January 2, 2002

Holidays: Survived in one piece
Resolutions:
1. Exercise less erratically
2. Stop chatting on Internet
3. Develop closer personal relationships with family and friends
4. Publish at least one magazine article

Though I took four days of vacation in addition to an extra three company holidays, I don’t really feel all that rested… Pretty much since I left town on Dec. 22, I have been eating meals either out or at family member’s homes. Little sitting around time at all this entire holiday season. Mom, in her typical style, volunteered me to help edit the City of Edmond Guidelines. In theory I should get paid for this. However, since the man who was advocating for me to get paid had I heart attack, I have a feeling that this won’t happen. I also volunteered to judge for the SXSW web competition and I’m also trying to wrap up my article interviews for Stephen Harrigan. Learning to say “no” is an effective time management tool. But how do you say no to family you’re visiting and four friends that have come to visit from California and Japan?? “Sorry, Nana. I can’t come over for Christmas dinner. I have to edit this proposal that Mom volunteered me to help with.” “Sorry, Sapporo. I know you’re here from Japan for one week, but I need to write my query letter tonight for my magazine article on Stephen Harrigan.”
Arg.

2001-11-19T15:43:00.000-06:00

November 19, 2001
Well. I promised RedStripe that I would continue updating my site. She's also linking to it. I now realize what the allusion she made to not worrying to much about surprising her meant. As usual we had our life direction questioning conversation punctuated by laughs, cigarettes, and Lone Stars (not to be confused with character of same name).
RedStripe will also be linking to my sight. The fact that someone else besides her might read my sight kind of freaks me out.
This weekend was good but busy. I went to see the Waxploitation/Blackploitation feature at the Alamo on Friday. Black Belt Jones was pretty funny. I also ran into one of my favorite people to run into. Sara was in my Sophomore German class. The next year, we ran into each other in the mattress store right before our Junior years. It was obvious that both of us had made the move out of the dorm. We were both buying beds. We also were both having the same awkward conversations with our fathers about how we needed full-sized versus twin-sized beds: "I just need a little more space these days." Since we would run into each other at parties, it was a favored anecdote of ours. Apparently she is returning soon to Ecuador to teach English. Pangs of wanderlust rushed through my body when I heard this.
I went to see Evolution of Woman on Saturday. The production was pretty funny. By far the food fight scene entertained me the most. I guess pie-in-the-face comedy appeals to me the most.
Yesterday I interviewed the best friend of the author I am profiling. That was interesting, if not intimidating. He has a nice home in West Austin complete with Lexus with Brown sticker out front. Later on I met up with he and the author at the Book Festival. Then, sound meeting for the animation feature that a co-worker asked me to help on. I probably won't have time to help very effectively, but it might be a good experience if I take the filmmaking course with RedStripe in January.

November 12, 2001

The Power of Forgetting

"I didn't say that." "When did I say that?" "Tell me one time I said that?!" Having a good memory is often not the key to having good relationships. I recall Kundera's Book of Laughter and Forgetting. Forgetting has a definite therapeutic effect. Pregnant women apparently forget the depth of pain they have during labor. They might recall being in pain, they may guilt children about it later on, but apparently cannot recall the specific episode (unconfirmed, I heard this on the radio). Actors can forge comebacks or people will continue to see movies with Keanu Reeves.

If I could forget things, I think I would carry less emotional baggage around. Forgetters seem happier. I can recall episodes in therapy that other people involved have forgotten entirely. And, of course, they can also deny.

LoneStar has been contradicting himself lots lately. "I think I want to see Modest Mouse instead of Built to Spill." One week later: "I think I might try to see Built to Spill." "I think that the military has no business being in our airports." One month later: "I think I'm going to join the Texas National Guard [the military in the airports]".

2001-11-02T09:14:00.000-06:00

October 26, 2001 1:48pm
Songs Going through my Head

During my sophomore year a pretentious friend of mine had a stack of books: The Cantos of Ezra Pound, Finnigan's Wake, and maybe some book by Bahktim.
"Do you ever read anything fun?" I asked.
"I'm preparing for my October funk," he replied.
Though I don't have copies of those tomes lying around, I feel as if I'm in the midst of my October funk.
Here is the hit-parade of sings that go through my head these days:
"Everything in its right place" by Radiohead
"Return to hot chicken" by Yo La Tengo
…and embarrassingly… I secretly like the band, though would never tell any of my cooler-than thou hipster friends "Summertime" (I think that's the name. It gets lots of radio play on the alterna station) by… gasp… Sublime
These three songs reflect my present mood pretty well. At least it's Fall again, a time when I can listen to moody music and it doesn't feel out of place.

***
Last weekend Mom and her friend JuiceLover came down to help me fix up my apartment. Since I had complained about my living situation and how my apartment made me depressed to go home to, Mom made it her personal mission to help revive it. I really found myself balking at receiving outside decorating help. The whole idea of my Mom helping me fix up my apartment embarrasses me a lot. It makes me feel like I'm not self-sufficient. That I can't make it on my own. Still hanging shelves, spending a scandalous amount on home furnishings, and getting some lamps in place really can make a nice difference. I actually think I want to have people over. Strangely, the shelves mixed with their ally the magazine file seem to make the biggest difference. All the small papers, spare change, old concert ticket stubs, German road maps, unpaid bills, paper clips, and ancient New York Times Magazines seemed to disappear. They now have plastic containers and their cousins as homes.
LoneStar went out to dinner with us to Fonda San Miguel on Monday night. That was a strange dinner. My Mom, though well meaning, doesn't really seem to have any idea what my interests are. She asked if I wanted to fly up for Phantom of the Opera when they came to town. That was a nice gesture, it's just that I'm not really into Andrew Lloyd Webber or musicals… Earlier that day JuiceLover had leafed through some arty magazine that LoneStar had insisted that I read this article about Gore Vidal. In arty magazine style, there was some pictorial with nude pictures of women AND men… And JuiceLover made some comment on the magazine's raciness at dinner.
In a lot of ways I think that my parents always wanted me to be someone who played golf, had a high paying sales job, drove an SUV, had an over-makeuped girl friend, and liked Tom Clancy novels (if I liked reading at all). I feel like I've disappointed them. Oh well.

2001-10-18T15:28:00.001-05:00

On Perfectionism
How a normal person prepares for a bike ride:
1. Grab helmet.
2. Fill up water bottle
3. Puts on shorts and shoes.
4. Goes for bike ride.

Here's how a perfectionist goes for a bike ride.
1. Looks for helmet. Can't find it. Curses himself for not being more organized.
2. Reads magazine article.
3. Curses self for dragging heels. Continues looking for helmet.
4. Spends 30 minutes tearing apart apartment looking for bike helmet.
5. Finds bike helmet in bin in closet where he put all his bike stuff the last time this happened for a bike ride.
6. Looks for water bottle.
7. Upon finding water bottle decides to wash it out.
8. Phone rings and subject talks to friend for 30 minutes.
9. Puts on helmet.
10. Spends 10 minutes looking for keys.
11. Locates keys in pockets from jeans worn yesterday.
12. Realizes that shorts have no pockets. Puts on shorts with pockets to hold keys.
13. Walks outside.
14. Sees that it is now dusk.
15. Decides not to go on bike ride, because it's "too dark"

This is how I often spend my Saturday or Sunday afternoon preparing for a bike ride. From this formula you could apply it to most free-time activities in my life. The same thought process also involves my working life and also when I am with friends and family. Add a heaping portion of self-criticism when this follows…

The next episode of Self-Analysis Theater will explore a conversation with either Mom or LoneStar.

This past week has involved a large amount of procrastination. Work has been a wash, largely since I am not working on any big deadline-driven projects right now. I have spent large portions of my day trying to conceal net surfing. I am not really motivated at work right now either. I feel like I am doing too many "side projects". I think I would be better served if I went to Border's and got a book on Virtual Basic or practiced my business German during these times, but net surfing is so much easier.

I haven't been to the gym in over a week. Again, low motivation.

Sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

2001-10-18T15:28:00.000-05:00

2001-10-16T14:03:00.000-05:00

October 16, 2001 1:35 p.m.

I have the "void" feeling right now. Nothing satisfies this feeling. Food, sex, drink, work, meditation, shopping—nothing modern life offers seems to work. Every task seems mundane and hopeless. I don't want to do much of anything when I feel this way. Problem is that I often feel this way.
I think it stems from unrealistic perfectionism—that nothing could possibly even come close to making me feel better. Then a feeling of dread overcomes me.
Damn, I'm depressing myself. I think all people with depression must be huge perfectionists. If it can't be perfect, why bother? Or better said, "I don't want to go through with the effort of making things perfect."
Last weekend was pretty decent. On Friday I went with Margaritaville to Curra's for some drinks and nachos. We kicked back some Curritas and eventually LongIsland showed up. Apparently, LongIsland has moved back to Austin from Mexico. Since Margaritaville was taking care of HomeBrew's dog, we hung out at his place. We got pleasantly loopy and hung out and watched TV. Later LongIsland left, Margaritaville dozed on the couch and I drove home during this killer thunderstorm.
On Saturday I went to a party at LoneStar's house. It was for O'Douls and BubbleTea's—two of my favorite people that I never see enough of—birthday. Pretty fun. LoneStar got them a PowerPuff girl pinata and we spent a good part of the evening trying to crack it open.
On Sunday I went to Houston with GNT. Our mission was to check out a museum, eat some good Asian food, and go to IKEA. I accomplished all. It was good to get away for the day.
Well, this entry isn't perfect enough, so I'm going to stop for now.

2001-10-09T18:19:00.000-05:00

October 9, 2001 5 p.m.

Last night I went over to LoneStar's house last night to pick up a check for some money he owed me. I had to call him on it. Not balancing your checking account for four months can have been horrible for your finances. I was almost $200 in the hole by the time I got around to making a date with MS Money last Saturday night. I ended up having to ask for a loan from Mom and also getting my $100 from LoneStar. Obviously, sending $600 a month just to Chase Bank has its consequences for your savings account. I am still predicting having most everything paid off next month. I really can't believe it.
My plan after becoming (non-student loan) debt free involves saving money for the highly recommended by financial planners "rainy day fun." I call it the moving to New York/buying a house/starting a satisfying career/safety net fund. I have a feeling that it will be much harder to save for this, than it was to pay off all those cards.
Cutting out trips to Target might be one good trick. I find it difficult to walk out of Middle Class America's beloved discount house without spending at least $30 a trip. Go in for shampoo and some underwear, come out with that plus some Pepperidge Farm gold fish, a new Mossimo shirt, and a new combination lock (since I've lost many others). I have no problem consuming. I was raised to do it. LoneStar can and revels in spending no money. While I like the idea of being debt free, I'm not sure if I'm ready to eat ham sandwiches for a week.
I talked with LoneStar last night about how I thought that Shiraz and Hooch were hanging out with the new crew. He hadn't had any of these feelings. This helped ease my paranoia, but he also has a new girlfriend occupying his few non-working moments.
I also commented on how I didn't like the name "Office of Homeland Security." How I find it Orwellian, etc. How I feared that our civil rights and what America stood for might be compromised. Instead of just noting my point, I received a twenty minute lecture on how we should do whatever it takes to make sure this doesn't happen again. How nitpicking about a name wasn't going to solve any problems. How we needed to integrate government agencies, etc.
While I could see his point, I don't appreciate getting a lecture or being squelched for saying how I feel. Actually, all I wanted to do was say "Fuck off!" I think what happened was horrible. But compromising our Constitution isn't going to bring 5,000 people back to life. It isn't going to bring back a quarter of Manhattan's office space. It isn't going to save the economy. It isn't going to do much but help the terrorists chip away at an important part of what America is. I think that maybe LoneStar thinks this is going to be some sort of Persian Gulf style episode. If we hermetically seal the United States to the outside world and blow Afghanistan to kingdom-come, that it will all stop.
Also, on a much shallower level. I am tired of being LoneStar's shadow. I am tired of having my personal opinions squelched because he has memorized the same newspaper article that I read better and is quicker to the punch to remember them.
God I think I really need to get a grip, but a lot of my friendships have been coming to a head lately. I haven't been trying to change my relationships. I've just been on auto-pilot trying to cope with all the other crap that's been bothering me.
RedStripe sent me an e-mail today about seeing a movie. It would probably do me well to go. But I should also just stay home and work on my story for class—I'm not done.
Maybe I can avoid being a perfectionist tonight and enjoy myself a little.

2001-10-08T14:59:00.000-05:00

October 8, 2001 2 p.m.
Me and my big mouth
I wonder if some days I go to far here at work. Normally, I'm a fairly agreeable guy. Sometimes people from other departments really irritate me and I'm not so good at hiding my irritation. This is usually when other people do not value my time or skills all that much. I then react with overdone arrogance. Example today:
Sales Dude: Hey, Bryan. How's that translation coming?
B: It's kind of going slowly. I'm not familiar with all the terms. I'm not really a translator…
SD: Well you can always just throw it into Babelfish like I do. That works just fine for me.
B: [Laughs a little too hardly]. I hope you're not serious.
SD: Well, I'm glad you find that amusing…
[Pregnant pause].
Change of subject.
Yes, I'm being the snotty intellectual that gets all bent out of shape over using an em-dash (--) instead on an en-dash. At least that's how it makes me feel.

Just for the record, here is the result that you get when you use Babelfish to translate something:
For the avoidance of errors it is advisable to take over the key terms enumerating types from the variable file with the help of the copying function.
Here is what I come up with, though not super eloquent either:
To avoid errors, borrow the key commands of the number type from the variable file using the copy function.

The original German for those who don't trust me:
Zur Vermeidung von Fehlern empfiehlt es sich, die Schlüsselbegriffe des Aufzähltypen aus der Variablen-Datei mit Hilfe der Kopierfunktion zu übernehmen.
Big deal, I know.
Enough about work. This weekend went decently. I went to a party on Friday for a birthday party—one of the guys from the kickball crew. I saw S and RC there (fellow webloggers). We all smoked cigarettes and talked. I went with what should be called the Core Friend Crew of M, J, D, and D's entourage of hipster dudes. Lately, I've been getting the impression that D's Entourage of Hipster Dudes is replacing M and I in this group of friends. Phone calls don't get returned. Mentions of breakfast plans slip out. Mentions of Sunday nights at Lovejoy's slip out. They talk about how they all met each other earlier for happy hours at Trudy's. M and I used to go to these happy hours (or at least M did). I'm not exactly sure why I'm being deleted. Of course our original link is also gone. MJ and NA broke up [I guess I'm going to have to come up with aliases for all these people…] thus our link is gone.
Maybe I'm not making enough of an effort. But I'm getting discouraged not having my phone calls returned and having plans made while I'm there, but not being invited. Why not just say "Hey, can I come along?" That seems to put people in an uncomfortable situation. I already feel insecure enough as it is. I don't want to be the tag-along. I desire to be the popular center of attention. The phone ringing off the hook. People lamenting my very departure.
This all makes me kind of sad. It makes me feel disposable. It makes me feel like I can't foster any lasting relationships with friends. When I was in the Geography Club at UT in noticed the same thing happening. The group of people that I started hanging out with had suspiciously no friends. Everyone had been involved in a serious relationship and must have canned their friends in the process. Still, the friendships never felt very genuine and when I was ditched (or stopped getting called) I didn't feel so good.
I realize that life changes, people move on and move. But this transience drives me crazy. Also, I realize that I am being cast off. Their group is still in tact. They have been friends for years. Maybe I'm being hyper-sensitive about all of this. Yeah, I am. I don't like having my feelings hurt. I also don't like letting myself feel this way.
I'm going to stop droning on.
Peace.

2001-10-02T17:07:00.001-05:00

Today has been a typical ho-hum day. I will be spending the week translating the chapter from my software product's course manual. No I am not a translator, but need has me translating stuff. A typical line that I have translated and a screen shot of what my workspace looks like:

For clarity the comment lines displayed during occurrences (in all further exercises) in the Autosequences were left out

[insert picture here]

Funny thing was when I was studing German, they typical reaction from family was, "Do you wanna be a translator?" I would always answer, no. And now, I am a translator…

Today I have been listening to the programmers around me talking. Usually I block this out with FreshAir, Marketplace, and Deutsche Welle Radio on Real Audio. The amount of new electronic goods these men buy is formidible. I overheard one talking about how Fry's would be having a killer sale this weekend. Another talked about adding to his already exisiting two computer, three webcam, one server collection. Another co-worker spoke of his four-bedroom home with one room as an office, another used as a craft room. If amassing stuff was my goal in life, I should have been a programmer. I could then have classic gaming nights (Intellivision, Atari, Commodore 64). The depressing thing is that while smart, most of the programmers at my company just earn market average. They don't command the $100K+ salaries of the folks at Trilogy. Of course, everyone here is still employed too. People who worked at Trilogy are hawking their Jet Skis and Tacomas.

I'm not super bitter about this. I have my own indulgences—travel being prime suspect number one. So what if I've been in five foreign countries this year… Of course I was in three of those five while I was on business. Most of my wanderlust has waned since 9/11. I guess the terrorism worked. I was also planning to visit NYC. I don't really want to cash in those air vouchers and miles anymore though. I have five days of vacation (and have to take them) this quarter. Maybe a road trip to Mexico would be a good compromise. Though I feel crappy, life could be much worse. I don't have anyone that would want to go travelling anywhere though. Sigh.

2001-10-02T17:07:00.000-05:00

2001-10-02T10:34:00.000-05:00

Dumb observation of the day: Pepperridge Farms Goldfish are for soup… Glorified soup crackers. Apparently Pepperridge Farms is even owned (or at least affiliated) by the Campbell Soup Company. Sadly, I thought they were for just snacking. I never associated them with putting them into my soup. Alas, since my family left the Cold South (Oklahoma), I haven't eaten a lot of soup. I grew up crushing saltines into my soup, but never Goldfish. Even though their fish-like bodies would suggest "Hey, Bryan! I love to swim! Especially in soup." How did I miss this? Why did it take me 27 years to realize this?

I just got an e-mail to attend the Node Tree Delphi Meeting. Sadly, if I went to this meeting I would spend at least an hour doodling in my notebook and trying not to fall asleep. I have tried to perfect my listening, while not really listening technique. Every once in a while they check up on me to see if I'm still alive: "You OK, Bryan?" This probably isn't a good sign.

It's probably also not a good sign that I didn't wake up until 9:30 a.m. today. Actually, I awoke at 5 a.m. Unable to fall back asleep I sat up and read my copy of "Organization for the Creative Person." I'd hoped it would put me to sleep, instead, I finished a chapter. Finally, sleepy again I crashed again, only to wake up in the state of oversleeping. Oversleeping is a curious state. While you are totally relaxed, because you haven't been pressing the snooze button for an hour, you then suddenly panic. "Should I call in sick? Shit! Why did this happen again?! I'm really screwing up. I should just call in sick… No, I'll take a shower and go in. NO gotta shower, haven't shaved all week. I'm such a slacker. " All these uplifting and motivating thoughts go through my head. This happens often.

I have been in a cyclical funk the past 27 years. I feel vaguely dissatisfied with my job, friends, love-life, and level of physical fitness. Nothing is ever enough.

This weekend was tolerable. I went to a happy hour for a former co-worker from my last job, who just got laid off. Drank too much. This caused me to hurt all day on Saturday. Spent way too much money ($150) on organization products at the Container Store. Since I feel disorganized, I feel that dumping this amount of cash will somehow let me acheive organization.

2001-10-02T10:33:00.000-05:00

September 25, 2001 12:10 p.m.
My stomach hurts. I have a headache. I don't want to take any pain relievers. Actually I feel sick to my stomach. Like I'm going to be ill. I'm stressed out and I don't want to do shit. How about that?
Currently I'm debating whether I want to go to the gym or downstairs for lunch. I've already skipped out on my Toastmasters meeting (as I have for the past two weeks). I really don't have the energy for the gym and I really don't have the energy for downstairs. Yes, I need to eat, I need to get away from my desk. It's a beautiful day even.

2001-09-25T11:57:00.000-05:00

Austin, TX, September 14, 2001, 3:30 p.m.

Last night I was afraid to go to sleep. I saw some splotchy video of bin Laden and soon got paranoid of every sound that I heard in my room. Apartment complexes and houses get surprising noisy at night. All these strange whirrs and clicks and hums sound like ambulance sirens and civil defense sirens to the over vigilant mind.
Work has been a wash this week. I've managed to get my assorted forms published and got a manual off to be reviewed but haven't had much motivation at all. Looking around people are still stealing glimpses of news web sites and such around the office. Of course, that's all I want to look at. While I want to forget about what happened, I find the 24-hour nature of the news to be too intriguing. The stories come across more like infotainment than something that is actually real. Somehow I cannot believe this is real. I don't want to get involved.
My best friend was crying on the phone the other day when he saw people jumping out of the windows on the news. This is the world's biggest stoic. His display of emotion made me squirm.
After going over the phrase "something big will happen soon to American and Israel" numerous times in the past twelve hours, I turned and looked at my calendar—next Tuesday is Rosh Hashaunah and the Thursday after next is Yom Kippur. Considering all this revolves around symbolism, I am wondering. Yes, I'm being superstitious but I still have the memory of a bad documentary I saw on HBO about the end of the world back in the early 80s. Checking Internet Movie Database I think it's called "The Late, Great Planet Earth." Whenever something like this happens, I see the turbaned man hurling missiles toward the United States and remember being terrified. Deep breath…
I started this web-log inspired by a friend of mine. Thanks, S!

Later